How You Became a Victim of Yourself

     At the beginning of this summer I prayed a dangerous prayer. It was words you don't say unless you are looking for God to completely wreck your world, in a good way, but in a way that hurts. It can better be defined as God refining you through the flame. You can't expect to be placed in fire, endure change, and not experience a little pain along the way. That's what my summer has been like so far. God has been refining me. A lot.  And he started at the root of everything.

     

Bitterness.

      It is not a good friend. It only lets you think it is your friend. It is your greatest companion when it comes to telling you the words you want to hear, and then pairing up with pride and insecurity, making everything more difficult than it needs to be. It gives you a sense of entitlement, making you think you deserve recognition, an apology, or gives you a strong desire to see that particular person humiliate themselves by confessing how you were right and they were always wrong. It feels good for a little bit, but eventually it eats you up. It hardens your heart and makes it impossible for you to love. In other words, you can not practice compassion when you have resentment. Bitterness is harboring a grudge of unforgiveness. And the Bible says that when you can't forgive others, neither will the Lord forgive you. For who are we to deny someone forgiveness when we ourselves are imperfect beings?

     I'm sure everyone reading this can attest to being burned over the years. You've been abandoned by a family member or a friend, or someone you loved hurt you deeply. Maybe you had a moment when you promised yourself that you'd never let anyone hurt you like that again, that no one would make you feel like you were the ground they walked on, and in turn, without realizing it, you hurt yourself more by making yourself numb to any feeling at all. Maybe you've been verbally, or physically abused to the point that you've lost faith in the goodness of humanity. You've lost hope that there is anyone in this world that truly knows how to love, and in the process you've forgotten how to love at all. Or maybe you never feel appreciated. You do so much for others, and put your everything into all you do, but you don't get a second glance. Or perhaps you also always get stuck with all the work, because no one else will step up and help. So something that should be a team effort becomes a solo effort. But a lot of times that's our own fault, because we're too prideful to give other people part of the responsibilities because we can do it better. And so our blame game, really ends with us a lot of the time.

     The things that bother you are much deeper than pet peeves most of the time. You need to evaluate those things and figure out what the deeper reason is for those situations that are bothering you. For example, my tendency to get easily frustrated and angry is a generational curse. For all of us, whether we want to admit it or not, our own attitudes are the problem. I am not saying that other people haven't affected us to make us get to the high level of bitterness we've attained. Trust me, I know, I am speaking from a heck of a lot of experience. Bitterness doesn't just come out of nowhere. Most of the time, our bitterness starts at a place of frustration or hurt that was genuine. I am simply saying that it is our choice to let those things fester inside of us until they become a terrible, soul eating monster that even we can't tame. It makes us a victim, not to others, but principally, of ourselves. We need to recognize that, there, in those dark places of loneliness, pride, fear, and insecurity, our soul-sucking frenemy, bitterness was birthed.

     What I've learned in my journey to what I call "Whole-Hearted" living, is that all of my problems are connected (bitterness, pride, insecurity, etc), and I've also learned that it is vitally important to understand where these issues were birthed. I've been reading a book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown and it is life changing. Seriously, if you want to learn what living a wholehearted life looks like, this book is great help with that. She challenges you to figure out, what are your triggers? What are the lies that you tell yourself? Our self-talk needs to be uplifting, because the same way a mean word to a friend would cut them deeply, your own words to yourself cut with that same depth if not deeper.

      Okay, here's what I'm getting at..... the root of bitterness is pride, insecurity, and even fear, and the root of those things is a lack of self confidence. When I am less confident in who I am through Christ, I am more likely to take criticism, or things that appear as so, very hard, because it hurts my pride, and I am prideful because I am insecure. Secure people are not prideful, because they are not trying to prove anything to anyone. They know who they are, and are completely satisfied with how God made them. Secure people are very humble. Therefore, because I can be prideful, which in turn reveals my insecurity, I get bitter and even angry, because I feel vulnerable and hurt.

     You and I have a problem with letting the world see the real you. Authenticity is not something that someone just has. It is something that you have to wake up and say, "Today I choose to be authentic." Because if you choose to be somebody that's not you, and you're not accepted, it hurts more when they can't even accept the people pleasing character you chose to be that day. But when you are yourself and people don't accept you, well then they don't deserve your friendship. Find people who will love you as you are, but also love you enough to tell you when you're making mistakes and be with you by your side through it. That's true friendship.

     The true definition of compassion comes from the latin words pati and cum, meaning "to suffer with". When someone truly loves you, and is practicing compassion, they won't just lay it on you and then leave you to pick up the pieces, they will tell you the truth and help you find your way. For you see, "compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity." Real friends suffer with you.

      It takes courage to be yourself. In Latin, courage originally meant "to speak one's mind by telling all one's heart". Brene Brown says, "Speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we're feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage. Ordinary courage is about putting vulnerability on the line." The more real you are, the more alive you'll feel, and the less affected you are by what people think of you. I didn't say you aren't affected at all by what people think. Because when you don't care at all what people think, you are immune to hurt, and are ineffective at connecting. Courage is telling your story, not being immune to criticism. When you do this you'll have confidence, humility, and true compassion. Being real means, asking for what you really need. That's brave. It means not playing down the exciting stuff, because that doesn't make your pain any less when it doesn't happen. It takes away the joy when something awesome does happen, and it also makes you feel lonely. If something is important to you make it known. Don't brag about it, but don't hide your true feelings. It is prideful to not share that you really want something, because you're afraid people will judge you for being confident or judge you even more if you don't get it and you talked about it with such assurance.

     There's a difference between humble confidence and prideful confidence. But realize that humble confidence doesn't mean saying things like, "Yeah, I hope I get it, but who knows, eh, maybe not, I am not really that skilled for it, so who knows." That is insecurity. You need to say, "I'm excited about the possibility. I'm trying to stay realistic, but I really hope it happens." That's humble confidence, my friends. The key is to be AUTHENTIC. You see, "courage has a ripple effect. Every time we choose courage, we make everyone around us a little better and the world a little braver."

     We can only truly experience real belonging when we present our imperfect, authentic selves to the world and are accepted for who we are. A lot of us experience a heavy amount of shame when it comes to sharing our story and our downfalls. Shame is pretty much the fear of being unlovable--- it is the complete opposite of owning our story and feeling worthy, and we've worked so hard to make everything look just right on the outside. Allow me to tell you a secret, this is why shame absolutely loves perfectionists---it is so easy to keep us quiet.

     We need to develop shame resilience. This is "the ability to recognize shame, to move through it constructively while maintaining worthiness and authenticity, and to ultimately develop more courage, compassion, and connection as a result of our experience... the less we talk about shame, the more we have it." Shame loses power when it is spoken. That is why it is so important to share our struggles. Be courageous and shine light on your dark places. I can't tell you how many times God has worked through me and others in powerful ways  when we shared the horrible, dark experiences of our hearts. Because a lot of times other people are going through that same darkness and they need to know they're not the only one.

     But our stories are not for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: "Who has earned the right to hear my story?" If you have someone in your life who can hear your shame stories, and hear your good and your bad, and I mean all of it, and love you the same way, if not more because of it, then consider yourself extremely lucky. Seriously, you don't need to share your story with everyone. Everyone doesn't need to know where your bitterness, pride, and insecurity were birthed. Some people won't be able to handle it, some people will make you experience more shame because of your vulnerability, and they won't treasure your story. You are worthy, and anyone who makes you feel anything less because of what you've been through, isn't worthy of hearing your story.

      So I've told you that you need to be authentic. But how? Here's three steps:

 1. Cultivate the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable

2. Exercise the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle

3. Nurture the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough 

     Be real. That is one of the most courageous battles you'll ever fight.  So to wrap this up, be real, be honest in love, and recognize the signs of shame, pride, insecurity and bitterness stirring inside of you. Don't let bitterness take over your life. It is painful. The only way to truly overcome bitterness is to be authentic. Don't pretend that things don't bother you. Don't just say yes because you don't want to disappoint. If you say yes, make sure you're saying HECK YES, and aren't going to resent that person later because you didn't have the guts to say no like you wanted to. Don't be anything that doesn't represent the amazing soul that you are. Be true to yourself. As cheesy as that sounds, it is important. Evaluate the way you live, and ask yourself, "Is my life doing justice to the person I was created to be or am I squandering more and more of my identity as each day passes? And am I wasting away, saturating my thoughts and heart in bitter thoughts and self-pity?" Consider your answers, and take action. Make a move. Wake up and say, "Today I choose authenticity." Be confident in who you are. You are beautiful. You are perfectly made. You are loved. You are worthy. Own those truths. Own your story, all of it. I pray that the truths God has been revealing to me help you the way they helped me in my struggle to overcome bitterness.

     If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me! Also some other books that are amazing with overcoming strongholds you have on your life, as well as recognizing them, are "Breaking Free" & "So Long, Insecurities" by Beth Moore. If there are other things you're struggling with that you need a good book for let me know and I'll recommend something! For example, if you have ever had a struggle with an addiction to porn, a really good book is "Dirty Girls Come Clean" by Crystal Renaud. The Beth Moore books cover a lot though, like pride, and childhood hurts, and such, and it is very powerful. Thank you for reading all of this! I hope you've been blessed!

Blessings,
Jessie Childs

Rising from the Ashes of a Broken Life

I know it has been a very long time since I have written anything on here. It's not for lack of trying. I can't even tell you how many times I've sat down over the last few months to try to write even just a little something, and then I've ended up staring at the screen for an hour with not a single thought that I felt I should put into writing. I didn't know what to write. I have been in such a broken, sad place that I couldn't find the words to encourage you when I couldn't even encourage myself. Then today I knew it was the day. It was the day for me to share my heart with you all. I am going to be honest. I am going to be real. This is my life. I cannot tie difficulties that are happening in my life to a single season. Every problem is one that is complex and is created over time, not just in an instant. This story is not short. It is not simple, yet it is not grand. And it is not all pretty. But it is mine. The beginning of this story is all sad, but don't stop reading, the end has joy and even peace.

Depressed. Anxious. Fearful. Apathetic. Frustrated. Angry. Rejected. Hurt. 

These are words that I would use to describe how I felt these last few months. A lot of what I was feeling I blamed on the fact that it was my first semester of college, so at first a lot of the symptoms that there was something deeper to what I was feeling went unnoticed. My relationship with God was frustrating. I was still going to church, bible study, and other things, but my alone time with God started to become non-existent. I didn't want to talk to him because I was feeling a lot of shame, and unworthiness. I am a Christian Theology major and more and more as the school year went on I realized how much I didn't know about my faith, and it overwhelmed me and made me feel like a failure as a Christian. So I just stopped seeking him with the same fervency I used to. I don't know what made me think that that would make my life better, because obviously it did not. To give a name to this struggle, I was being attacked by "legalism". This is when your faith becomes more about the knowledge and the rules, then it is about the relationship with God.

  Now when I say I was experiencing depression I don't use that word lightly. I wasn't "depressed" because I got a bad grade on something. I was hurting deeply. At random times, I would be extremely sad for no reason. Like on Christmas morning, when I should be rejoicing in the birth of our Savior, I was crying for absolutely no reason. I would just want to sleep all the time, be by myself, and I had no passion for my usual interests and even for my future vocation as a missionary. And even worse, this didn't even phase me as a problem at the time. I was very pessimistic and hopeless, even though I didn't usually voice those thoughts. Along with all of that I became more and more wrapped up in fear. Everything that I could possibly be anxious about, I was. I gave my self stress stomach pains because I worried and over-analyzed so much, which of course worried me even more because I didn't want to get another ulcer. A little less than a month ago I experienced a panic attack on two different days for about 10 hours each. My throat would close and it was very difficult to breathe. 

Sickness seemed to be attacking me from all sides this past year. And not all of it was even serious things. Some of it was mostly just annoying. Looking back now I realize that the enemy was just trying to harass me and get on my nerves. In 2014 I was diagnosed with PCOS, which is a syndrome that makes me have to take medicine everyday to have my cycle, and it causes problems with having children, and has other possible symptoms, including cancer, which thank God I do not have. A couple of months later, I got a stomach ulcer, which if you've never experienced this, let me be the first to tell you that it is excruciatingly painful. At this point I was done. I had had enough. I could barely move, and so I made myself go get prayer at my church for healing for both of these things. I hadn't been taking my pills for a month because I was believing in healing. After getting prayer, the very next morning I was healed from my PCOS and my ulcer. Then last semester I realized I had PCOS again. I still believe that God healed me, and that I can be healed again. But these past few months I haven't found my peace in God, and I allowed the enemy's doubt and fear to control my mind.

In college, making friends wasn't a hard thing for me to do. It felt like the best possible friends I could have for this new season fell right into my lap. They were a blessing to be sure. We connected so, so, so quickly and deeply. Yet I was having trouble being transparent and completely honest about my feelings and thoughts, because I was too afraid of stepping on someone's toes. I have been so seriously hurt by one-way friendships the past few years, that before I knew what hit me, the way that I approached new relationships completely changed. Especially my senior year when all of the hurt just got piled on so much that one bad friend was the last straw. I put so much love into this friendship and got so rejected that I became too afraid to love people at my greatest capacity, because I couldn't stand to be hurt like that again. I guess some of this kind of sounds contradictory in some aspects, so let me clarify. This past semester, I was still myself, but I only shone through in little cracks of time, for the confidant woman of God that usually defines me for the most part was no where to be seen. If you asked my friends if that was an accurate statement they probably would say no, but I know what I used to be like. I know what it felt like to have an unquenchable passion pumping through your veins to do something great for God, always looking for a place to step up to leadership to change the lives of those around me. I felt like I was walking around with a chasm the size of the ocean that replaced everything I am. It made me sick inside. I had turned into more of an introvert than I ever used to be and I hated defining myself that way, and allowing others to do the same. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being an introvert, but I had began to take on that label in a way that was life changing. I became increasingly less patient, more easily frustrated, and less enjoyable to be around as the semester came to a close. All of these things that I am sharing with you are so clearly attacks from the enemy, but in the moment I was just trying to get through each day, so I wasn't able to call it out for what it was.

Then going into Christmas break carrying all of this on my back and heart, I was extremely overwhelmed by all of these feelings that seemed so complex to address. Remember, at this point I had not been able to identify what I was going through as depression, or any of the other words. This revelation happened after meeting with my friend Elizabeth who was asking for some insight on a friend at her school that takes medicine for anxiety and depression. I knew something was up when I was able to clearly understand this girl I didn't even know. So I started to research a lot, and then I told my mom what I had been experiencing with depression and anxiety. My mom and I have always had a very honest, strong relationship but still this was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had, yet it was so life giving to finally tell someone. I was even ready to go to counseling if that was what I needed. Thankfully though, it didn't need to come to that. A few days later I met with a precious friend of mine, whose friendship is nothing short of God divine. She began to share with me all of the issues and struggles she's had lately, and it was the same exact things I've been battling with, including feeling extremely sad on Christmas. How crazy is that? That day was the first day in many, many months that I felt any real breakthrough in my life. That whole day I just basked in the presence of the Lord, driving around singing praises at the top of my lungs. I finally felt God's peace through all of my problems. It was a beautiful day.

Then later on that week was when I experienced the panic attacks I mentioned earlier. That was hands down the enemy trying to discourage me from the progress I had made. "No way, Satan!" was my reply. I wasn't going to let him get to me. I started reading this book called "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore, and I had more spiritual growth in two weeks than I had had in the last six months. Her book talks about the five things that every Child of God should be experiencing on a daily basis (To know God and believe Him, to glorify God, to find satisfaction in God, to experience God's peace, to enjoys God's presence) and the obstacles that keep you from experiencing these things (Unbelief, Pride, Idolatry, Prayerlessness, and Legalism). All of these things of which I was struggling with in different capacities and Beth Moore does a beautiful job of convicting you but all speaking love and life over you. She shows you how to speak the word and find breakthrough and freedom from these strongholds. I highly recommend this book.

I know I am writing a lot, but it has been such a long time since I've written and so much has happened, I can't help but share. Through all of these things God has been teaching me so much. Firstly, I have so many things that I can be stressed about right now, but above all of it I feel so much peace. I have a boldness and a passion once again that I can not wait to express. God can give me all the boldness in the world, but unless I choose to act out and use it, it is useless. I need to stand up and fight against the enemies attacks to try to hold me back from what God has for me. The attacks on my life and yours have much more to do with who you might be in the future than who you have been in the past. The enemy fears you becoming who God has made you to be. When you find yourself struggling with legalism and feelings of worthlessness, I want you to remember what I am about to say. In the Bible, when Jesus goes to be baptized by John the Baptist, he has not yet done any works for God. He has done nothing. Yet God says, "This is my Son in whom I am well pleased". Strip away your titles in leadership, and every other thing that people use to define you, and know that that is the person who God is well pleased with. You don't have to do anything for God to be pleased with you. So lets stop trying to reach some kind of unrealistic goal we've made for ourselves, because we will always be striving in a way that only breeds discouragement. Evaluate your life and take a serious look at where you've set your priorities. Your quite time with God should be put at the top of your list, above all of your other commitments. I can't stress enough how important that is. You won't be able to function in any capacity as a Godly leader if you're not seeking his presence.

For a long season God asked me to step down from many of the leadership positions I had regarding ministry and other things, because I had gotten so caught up in "doing His work" that I often forgot that being a Christian is about the relationship. And as often as I hear that as a Christian who has grown up in church you'd think I'd understand that by now, but it's obvious that God continues to teach us more about the things we thought we already had an understanding of. And now, after a lot of molding and purging, God has opened up the doors to a new season where I can be able to minister to others in a greater capacity again. Because God knew that where I was a year and a half ago was a very broken, wounded place, and if he hasn't stopped me to focus on him, I probably never would have, therefore I wouldn't have been in a place to surrender to Him and ask him to put me back together. I have so much more that I want to share with you, but this blog is definitely turning into more of a novel, so I'll leave you with this: Broken people who aren't giving their brokenness to God can't pour into other broken people. Let God fill the cracks between your shattered pieces, and use your story to show his glory. Because your story matters.