Best Week Ever

September 11th, 2015. (Date actually written)

     Saying this has been very exciting week for me would be the understatement of the year. I have looked forward to this week from the beginning of June. You see, my favorite artist, Jimmy Needham came and did a concert one night, and worship the following two days at my college. I was asked to do his merchandise table so I was blessed to have a chance to be able to really talk to him several times. Okay, I'll be honest, I was majorly fan-girling. How could I not? I listen to his songs on shuffle and repeat all the time. Just WAIT, this whole blog isn't going to be me drooling. I am writing this because in some small way I want to bless the man who has allowed God to work in him. Which created music that is not only inspired and poetic, but speaks power. Its power comes from the truth it contains. He sings the scriptures. Words that were breathed out by God. I have been convicted, humbled and blessed by his songs. And what has blessed me even more is getting to see first hand that this man walks the walk. He doesn't just perform, get his money, and go. He's the real deal. He admits his struggles and his downfalls, but also shares his victories and gives all the glory to God. Getting to see just a glimpse of a heart that is so desperately in love with the creator has ministered to my own heart.
     This week and even before this week, God has been lovingly showing me how the closer I get to Him(God) and the more I devote myself to Him, the more I will become the woman of God in the fullness I desire to be. I struggle with very high anxiety, which has made it very difficult for me to fully surrender and trust God at times. It's a daily battle. I have to wake up each day, and say "okay God, this day is yours. I trust you to guide me, and give you the reins." Sometimes I just want to have control, because I think I could do it better. My heart knows that God's ways are best, but my mind takes over sometimes and tells me "You know what's best for you, do it your way". That gets me absolutely no where. When I'm struggling with surrendering to God, lyrics from a song called "Hurricane" by Jimmy Needham really speak to me.

I have built a city here Half with pride and half with fear Just wanted a safer place to hide I don't want to be safe tonight 
[Chorus]I need You like a hurricane Thunder crashing, wind and rain To tear my walls down I'm only Yours now I need you like a burning flame A wild fire untamed To burn these walls down I'm only Yours now 

I'm only Yours now  

       

     I don't sing these lyrics lightly. This is a cry to the heavens from my soul, asking the Father to do what needs to be done. To tear down our walls of bitterness, pride, self-hate, depression, but most of all to uncover the buried sins we've tried so hard to conceal. It's painful. We want to hold on to them. Why? Simple. We have become comfortable in our sin. Give it up. All of it. Lay it down at His feet. Let Him wreck you and turn you upside down so you can be right side up. This doesn't mean that you need to start overwhelming yourself by doing every single Bible study, and reading the whole Bible in day, and making it into some kind of insanely unrealistic task list.

"Doing my best to hide my mess, But all we need is need." - Jimmy Needham

     That line spoke to me and convicted me in the deepest parts of my heart. We first must be perfect in order to even consider approaching God. HECK NO.  You run to his feet, MESS & ALL. He wants every part of our lives. Our desire and striving to be more like Him is what blesses His heart. I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember, and the enemy has frequently tried to feed me the lie that Christianity = 100% perfect and in control at all times. I hate to admit it, but I have fallen for this lie several times. The Bible clearly says that "All have fallen short of the glory of God". No one is perfect. We are also not truly giving our lives to Him if we do not seek to follow His lead and wait on his wisdom. If we're just rushing into the first door that opens or jump through the nearest window of opportunity without asking for his guidance, we're trying to do this on our own. That's not how it was meant to be. What the Father has for us is peace beyond understanding and a freedom that can only be found in Him. I want to encourage you to fully surrender to God and to find your peace within his unconditional love. For He will never forsake you.

                                                                                                     Love, Jessie
                                              
                                                                Jimmy & I

P.S. I want to hear from YOU GUYS! What topics would you like me to write about?

 

Friends are Awesome. God is Awesomer.

     {Yes. "Awesomer" is a word.}
 
     Right now I am basking in the light, joyous feeling that comes from sweet company. It is a feeling I have not experienced often in the last couple of months. It is not that I did not have enjoyable company, but my heart was too heavy to enjoy the moment I was in.
      Ok, I'll try to give you the short version of what has made my heart heavy over the last couple of months.

     In merely a week, a friend's mom tragically died unexpectedly, I found out my Aunt had cancer, a friend was extremely depressed due to undeserved meanness continually shown to her, also several people I love dearly showed me very ugly sides of their character all at the same time (which took me by surprise), and one of my closest friends wasn't there for me when I was really upset about all this, and she said some very hurtful words to me. This is only half of the burdens I felt. This doesn't even include all of the stress I had with stuff on my senior to do list. To sum it up in one word I was overwhelmed.

      This all took place in one single week in May. A time when I should have been enjoying my last days as a high school student, but  instead I was miserable. I have an annoying habit of taking on the weight of other people's problems and trying to fix them, so that didn't help the situation at all.
      Three days after I graduated I went on a ten day missions trip to the Dominican Republic. My heart was anything but ready. I was feeling inadequate, disconnected from my team, and apathetic--- which really scared me. This was my first mission trip. I had waited my whole life to do this very thing. Yet, in the midst of what I had yearned to do for so long, I was lacking compassion and a desire to be where I was. It was confusing to say the least, and I certainly didn't want to feel that way. It frustrated me to the point of tears. I continued praying and leaning on God for help and understanding. 
     Despite my confusion, God had told me to go to the Dominican Republic and He honored my obedience. He used me in ways I could've never foreseen. I had the privilege of speaking about the Great Commission (the end of Matthew when Jesus tells His disciples to go into all the Earth making disciples), as well as speak about my own personal testimony and passion regarding missions at an evangelism college in the Dominican. They wanted to start sending out missionaries from their country, but they were unfamiliar with how to do it and the reason to do it. So they asked us to come share with their faculty and board of directors. It was a blessing to me. In preparation for this I was unsure if half of what I wrote was even relevant, but I felt strongly that every word I wrote was what I was meant to say. The people responded better than I could've ever imagined. It strengthened my courage, as well as my faith and purpose.
     Even though God did many, many amazing things in that country, as well as in my heart, when I came back to America I still felt heavy hearted. The following week I met up with several friends at different times who wanted to hear about my trip. The conversation was good, but it wasn't like it usually was, at least for me it wasn't. I didn't leave the conversation feeling lighthearted and refreshed as I always did after spending one on one time with a close friend. I felt like I was meeting with them more out of some sort of friendship duty to be a good friend, so I could check it off of some list. It became more like a chore and I absolutely HATED that. One on one convos with friends are what I LIVE for, so it didn't make any sense. And to make it worse, the one friend that I wanted to talk to more than anything was always busy, and I felt like I was being avoided and lied to. I felt rejected by her, and this wasn't the first time. It was frustrating because I was so excited to share with her about my trip, and I felt like I had to beg for her to hang out with me, to no avail. I missed her and it hurt my heart more deeply than it should have. 
     I am telling you all of this to say that through all of my pain, worry, and confusion God came when I called. Yes, I have continuously prayed about all of these things as they've occurred these last few months, but until this week I had not laid down my pride and truly given God reign. One night as I laid in my bed thinking over everything, I gave every single thing to God. Even the sins that I had been trying to foolishly hide and forget about. I laid it all at His feet, and as always He accepted me with open arms. My heart was finally open to receive the love and healing it needed. This was brought through convicting scriptures, but mostly through my sweet time with my friend Ana today, whom I mentioned when I started this long story.
     When I shared with her the things I was going through right now, she shared with me some of the same wisdom others had shared with me in the past, but until today I wasn't ready to receive it with an open mind. The hardest words of wisdom for me to swallow were the fact that friendships are sometimes just for a season. God puts you in people lives, you plant seeds, and then you let go. She told me that maybe my friendship with that particular girl was just for a season and that season is over. I don't know if this is true, but I can't ignore this possibility as much as I hate it with everything in me. When I'm friends with someone, we're friends for life. I don't like this whole "seasons" idea, but it is Biblical.
      My favorite part of our conversation was when we were able to relate to each others struggles on a heart level, or point out ways the enemy was trying to plant lies or start chaos in each other's lives. Just being able to reveal my heart to someone who loves Jesus and pursues Him in such a similar fashion fills my heart with such an overwhelming amount of joy.
     This week I began at a low place and now I am at a much better place. I am not through the struggles yet, but I feel encouraged, joyful, and confidant in Jesus' love and support of me. I am also very eager to pursue more of what Jesus has for me. I need more. Though friendships are great, I cannot rely on them for all my comfort and wisdom. My main source should be Jesus. That's hard for me to remember all the time, which is why my heart can so easily become heavy-laden. I too often go to other people with my problems expecting relief, when my first instinct should be to run to my heavenly Father. 
     I know that I have shared with you more negative than positive in this blog post today, but I want to be honest with you. A lot of people think Christians never struggle and have it all together. I sure as heck don't. I am a mess that God has graciously and lovingly turned into a story of His magnificent glory. I am forever thankful. Even in my weakness, He is strong. He lifts me up and carries me through the struggle when I call upon Him, and He'll do the same for you.

                                                                                                  Love, Jess
P.S. Listen to this song. It's encouraging. Makes me happy :) 

Feelings Feelings Feelings

     A popular saying these days is a line talking about "being in your feelings". Meaning that you've just taken some time to soak in your feelings, usually ones of misery. We are a race that survives on our feelings, and it is such a dangerous thing to base your decisions and happiness on the feelings of a mere moment.
     I have always struggled with being a people pleaser. Not necessarily meaning that I kiss up to people, but meaning that I simply like to do the right thing, and help people out. This being said, I like to be noticed, appreciated, and complimented when I make an effort to make someone feel special. Who doesn't, right? But I have to be careful because a lot of times, it's how I get filled up. So when I go through times of feeling like I'm invisible and unnoticed, I am absolutely drained, because my feelings of being loved, and so on, are not being fulfilled.
     Something I have been learning of late, is that living off of our feelings is an action that is often tied with our relationship with God. Let me clarify. I am one of those people that when I worship God or get prayer over something, I cry, because I am just so moved. I have attached crying to the idea that God is working in my life, so when I don't cry, I feel as if nothing is happening. I have based my relationship with God on if I cry or not. How messed up is that??? I want to feel that God loves me. Why do I need to feel it? I should just know that God loves me, just by looking at the facts that he has placed before me in the Bible.
     Don't take this the wrong way. Feelings are a totally okay thing to have. God made us to have feelings. But like C.S. Lewis said, "Feelings come and go, and when they come a good use can be made of them: but they cannot be our regular spiritual diet." That's some wise words from one of the greatest theological writers of all time. Our spiritual diet should consist of God's word.
     We shouldn't need to be recognized by other people to lift our spirits. We should invest our hearts in the promises that God has given to us. That He loves us. That we are fearfully and wonderfully made. That in heaven there will be no tears. Ironic, huh? No tears. YIKES. Better get out of my feelings. You too. ;)


                                                                                      Love your friend, Jess

Lies

     Sometimes I hear lies that God doesn't care about me. That I am all on my own in this whole "life" thing. I've gone through so many seasons where I have battled with depression, and Satan takes the opportunity to plant more lies in my head. To tell me that I am unloved, that people just tolerate me, that no one is there for me, least of all God. It is hard to express in words the magnitude of the pain I have experienced. I'd lock myself away from the world, shut everyone out, and just soak in my feelings of rejection and loneliness. I wouldn't want to talk to God, my family, or even my friends. Every time that I would try to turn my back on everything I believed in, God was always right there by my side, even if I didn't feel like He was.
     I love the passage from Isaiah 40:28-31, and reading it in the message version (my favorite version) makes it so much more powerful (simply because it is an easy to understand version of the Bible). It is like a knock back to the reality of knowing the true character of God, not the lies that Satan feeds us. Here are the main points from this scripture:

1. God doesn’t come and go. God lasts.
2.  He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine. 
3. He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath.
       And He knows everything, inside and out. 
4. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. 
5. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. 
6. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength, they spread their wings and soar like eagles
7.  They run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.

     God is not just some deity sitting on some sort of cloud throne. He is our heavenly Father. He does not forget us. He created us. He adores us, loves us, and cherishes us. He laughs when we laugh, He cries when we cry. He knows our every thought and desire. He is our number one fan. He is not against us, He is for us. Most importantly, He loved me and you so much that He gave His only Son as a sacrifice for our sins. He saved us from the death we deserve. How could I, or anybody for that matter, think that someone who goes through all that trouble to make sure that we will spend eternity with Him, doesn't love us? That's absolutely crazy! When I am at my weakest, He is patient with me. I mess up, oh gosh I mess up so much, and I make so many of the same mistakes, yet He still loves and forgives me. That is the ultimate form of love. Even when I try to live life my way, He sticks around, and lovingly reminds me why His plans are the best plans, even though I don't always see it. God will not forsake you. We forsake Him, and the times when I have turned my back on God have been the lowest points in my life. Yet time and time again, He welcomes me into His waiting arms. He's waiting for you too. What are you waiting for?

I Need You --- YES, YOU!

 

   I remember clearly the day that I knew what God had called me to be. I was about four years old. I was driving across a bridge in Louisiana, staring at the clouds out the window, when I knew. I am called to be a missionary. The basic definition of "missionary", is someone who insistently shares the gospel of Jesus Christ. When people think of missionaries, they usually think of people who are revolutionizing in Africa or loving children in the slums of Haiti, but today foreign missions is no longer the forerunner of the mission world. So I don't really know what being a missionary will look like at all for me.
     Despite this, I have always longed to go on a foreign missions trip. Throughout the years I have always tried to go on one, but the door always shut. It was never the right timing, and I just never felt at peace about going. Right now I'm at the tail end of my senior year in high school. I'm about to embark on my journey in college studying Christian theology, and I also now have the opportunity to go on my first foreign missions trip, to the Dominican Republic. You can be sure that I am very excited to see what God has in store in this new adventure, but to be honest I am also afraid. This is something I've waited to do for a long time, and I keep having this fear that when I go, it won't be what I've expected. That it won't feel right, that it won't feel like I'm doing the one thing that I am going to be doing for the rest of my life. That terrifies me. I feel like this trip will define more of what my purpose is, and show me more of who I was made to be. On one hand, I'm very excited to see how I will be transformed, but then again I am afraid of disappointment. And in the midst of all this fear and anxiety, my excitement and passion has been squandered. 

     Even though I am feeling all of these things, I still know that I am supposed to go on this trip. My mind is telling me the truth, that I am right where I am supposed to be, that there is no reason to fear, that I need to trust God, and let go of all the anxiety, in order to rediscover my passion. But this truth hasn't quiet settled into my heart. So I am asking you dear friend, to please keep me in your prayers. I really need them in this season. I really do appreciate your love and support! I will definitely write a follow up blog on my experience, to let you know what God is doing in my heart. I'm saying that, because I know that usually the blogs I write are uplifting, and encouraging, through my personal experiences, but right now I am in the middle of an experience, so this blog is more of a cry for help in a way. I know the dream that God has instilled in my heart, but I need to find that passion again. Most people don't realize the real power that prayer has, but I do, that is why that is the most important way that you can support me, if you feel lead to do so. I love each and every one of my readers so much. Really, the fact that you take the time to read what I write really just touches my heart. So, thank you so much!

                                                                                                 Love your friend,

                                                                                                                      Jess

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The Depths of Despair

    

     Have you ever felt like you're stuck in the depths of despair? Maybe you just have no motivation to do anything, and you come home and want to sleep the day away. Every little thing overwhelms you because it adds on to the never ending exploding mess you're constantly trying to make sense of. Perhaps you've become an easily angered person. It doesn't take much to set you off. Just the sound of someone's voice makes you cringe. Your tolerance level is at an all time low. You find yourself pasting on a smile because you don't want people to see your sadness.
     This my friends, just about perfectly describes me these past weeks. I started off the school year in August very excited and passionate about what God was going to unfold this year. That began to diminish as distractions took over, and God kept getting pushed farther and farther away from being the focal point in my life. Don't get the wrong idea here. I didn't go all out rebel and turn my back on God or anything. I just stopped reading my word every day and spending one on one time with God all the time.
     The longer time went on of me not spending time with God, the worse it got. I began to get really discouraged because I wasn't seeing fruit in the friends that I was trying to bring to Jesus. I invested my love and time into people who couldn't care less, people who continually hurt me over and over again. I would also come home everyday and sleep for several hours, and have no motivation to do anything else. The purpose of my life started to get foggy, and this in turn brought on a whole bunch of confusion, making me question if I'm supposed to be a missionary. This freaked me out. When I was four years old God told me that I was going to be a missionary, so for my whole life this has been sort of a part of who I am. So to be unsure of this made me extremely nervous, especially in the midst of my senior year. I was having a lot of trouble trusting God. In some ways I felt that if I wasn't a missionary, that I would be disappointing God, and all the people that I've told for so long that I am going to be a missionary.
     At this point I was so overtaken by my doubts and discouragement, that the enemy definitely had room to come in and reek some chaos of its own. I didn't want to go to church, to school, or anywhere really. Fun stuff that I would usually jump up and down to go to, I preferred to just stay home.
     Over Christmas vacation, a family member said something that hurt my feelings a bit. It was something really stupid, but I was so sensitive at the time, that you could of said "your hair looks green", and I would've started crying. Ridiculous, right? My mom asked me what was wrong, and I just started overflowing. I couldn't hold in my pain anymore. I had pasted on a smile for too long.
     Today at church I decided that I had had enough of feeling this way, so I went up and asked for prayer from a couple of close friends. I am SO glad I did! I feel so much peace and grace right now. In those few minutes of prayer, I learned so much.

     1. God is not disappointed in me.

     2. My version of God's plan and His version can be different. Even though I've always envisioned my self going on to the mission field after college, His ideas could be very different.

     3. I don't always need to be strong. It's ok to not be ok. I'm the person that people come to because they trust me, and they share their struggles with me, so sometimes I feel like I can't always put all my stuff out there. Though I do think I am usually a pretty transparent person.... but maybe not as much as I think I am.

     4. God knows what He's doing. I can trust Him to follow through when I am faithful in the moment and circumstances that I'm in.

     Pretty awesome stuff right? This was all very encouraging to me. It spoke directly to my heart. It feels like my heart got a little blanket wrapped around it and a cup of hot chocolate. I just feel so good. I'm definitely not completely up to par yet. That will be a process. A process of faith, that I learned about from my pastor in church today.

1. We endure trials    2. Gain Character    3. Establish Faith    4. Obtain Promises

     That's the process of Faith. I am not where I was this morning or yesterday, so already I am better than before. I'm going through trials, I am gaining character, I am reestablishing my Faith in God, and through my continued faithfulness, and pursuit, I will obtain the promises of God. Sounds pretty simple when you see it like that.
      As I was and am struggling with all of this stuff, I have constantly asked myself why I've felt so down. Why am I struggling and confused? Why do I feel like I am being attacked?
      While I was in Church, I was flipping through my notebook, and I found an entry on August 18th, 2014. Which is right before school started. I wrote it when I was at the prayer room  at my church on a Monday night, and Mrs. Jane came up to me and gave me a verse in Philippians 4:13.

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength"

       She told me that that year God was going to use sandpaper on me. That I would be persecuted, and that God didn't want me to quit. That I could do this.
     As soon as I read that it all made sense. CRAZY, RIGHT?!?! That's why I've been feeling this way. In many ways God has been stretching me and pushing me to step out of my comfort zone this year. For the last few weeks I've just felt like quitting. Running the race was too exhausting, I was drained, depressed and I couldn't do it anymore. Then I read that, and I knew I couldn't let the enemy win. I want to persevere, push through, trust God, and overcome all the things that are weighing me down. This is more than a new year for me, this is a new season. God is working on me, and I'm going to make room to let Him. God gives me strength. I shouldn't rely on those things to always come from my friends, family, or even myself. I need to rely on Him.

     We're not alone in our struggles. We can overcome, and find joy, even in the hard times. I promise that if you continue to push closer to God, you will find what you're looking for, because when you're close to God, your desires begin to line up with His. 

     I know that at times, maybe all the time, it feels like life is just a cycle of continuous slaps in the face. Don't lose hope! Be encouraged! Push through it! No matter how hard or boring it may be, continue to read your word daily, even if you still feel awful afterwards, keep pushing in closer to the Lord. Also remember, it's ok to not be ok. We're not perfect, and we ALL struggle. So in the hard times, look for ways that God is trying to shape you in that season. Be open and ready. Share your struggles with other people that are trustworthy, encouraging, and will speak life into you. Sometimes it helps others to know that you're not a perfect human being, but you also just need to let all of your troubles out. Trust me, it really helps. I kept all of this stuff bottled up for awhile. Even when I was smiling, I was crying and pulling my hair out in the inside. Don't do that guys! You'd be surprised how understanding and discerning some people can be when you just pour out your heart to them. Now I'm not telling you to share your life story with the next Billy Bob Smojoe you see. Go talk to a strong Christian friend, pastor, or maybe a parent.

     If you would even like to talk to me, I am happy to lend a ear! I try to make these blogs a bit general so everyone can relate in some ways, but I'm not a top notch writer, so I don't get to everybody, so if you have specific questions or just want me to be praying for you, go ahead and write a note to me in the "Contact Me" section! But of course, Jesus is the best listener of all :)

         Love your friend, Jessie

                                                                                                                     

P.S.

The title "Depths of Despair" is an Anne of Green Gables 

reference for those book lovers out there.